Tuesday, April 9, 2013


It is quite early in the morning but for once I woke up by myself, not because of the noises of my family getting ready for school. Thank you snow day. I have a lot on my mind and I'm actually in the mood to blog about it!

Things are going well. It's weird. I hope it lasts. I was chatting to a friend about how I always have a hard time adjusting to a situation but as soon as I do, something comes in and ruins it. He agreed with me saying, "Things are going great and then it's time to change." Blah. Why does the world work in such a way? I agree that without bad we wouldn't know good, but can the good just stay for longer?! I am feeling this a lot lately because I am adjusted and happy, but I am leaving all of it behind in a little over a week. Things are good with my friends and family. I am making a lot of great memories. Driving and dinners with Jacob. Ice cream with Brooke, Erin, and Kaitlin. Spending all of this last weekend with Rhiana. :) Laughing and blasting music in the car with all the windows down with Maegan. Hugging my mom and not letting go for 20 minutes, and trying to beat up my dad while he is doing the dishes. I used to think the bad outweighed the good here, but the memories I have made in just the last few weeks are fueling my happiness and distracting from the inevitable.

I have been packing up my bedroom since last week because my parents are having me move out. I was bitter before but they need the space. I am glad they are making me do it though because in the process, I have come across countless notes and letters from the people that I love. I found papers full of drawings from Michael and myself that we drew on the bus ride during trek. I found a hilarious letter from Rhi about how hurt she was that I didn't get her something for her half birthday. I found old Water World tickets, letters from Luke, a popcorn bag from my concessions job with the most frequently asked questions written on it (What do you have for real food? What can I get for a dollar? haha) with tallies next to each, tiny pieces of paper from Jacob telling me to come to the singles ward with a hideous drawing, notes written at church, video ideas, memories, fuel.

I love being able to look back and remember the times I laughed so hard my stomach hurt or the times I felt so much love for someone even if things are different now.

There is a quote I have on Pinterest that says, "I think the only reason why people hold onto memories so tight, for so long is because memories are the only things that don't change, even when people do." I love that. 

I know that I will make more memories back at school but they will be different because there is not history with those new people like there is with my childhood friends. I don't know where I will go from here. If I will stay in Idaho or move back here in a year. But I know that the memories will stay with me no matter what. They are my fuel.



Today I am lost in thought.
I am emotional but in a numb way. 
There are no more tears.
Today my heart is full.
I do not plan to leave for two years but those of you that have made that choice inspire me and set such a great example of service.
Today I could use a nap.
These sleepless nights and early mornings are adding up.
Today I decided that I need to make some changes in my life.
Being sad is exhausting. 
I need a confidence boost so I'll be getting back to working out everyday.
I will take every opportunity I can to serve someone else.
I will not let my pride get in the way of my heart and my future.
Today the sky is grey. 
Ed Sheeran's "Autumn Leaves" plays on repeat.
Today I wonder when I will find love.
It's not something I am looking for but I can't help but wonder when and how it will happen.
Today I said goodbye but I'm not letting go.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

These Days

The last two times I tried to write a blog post, I ended up saving them as drafts because I didn't want anyone to read them. Let's see how the third time goes.

I am feeling very nostalgic and lost in thought today. I finally got over that weird sad phase I was in the last few weeks where I couldn't keep myself from crying anywhere I went. Sorry everyone. I am ok for now but I am sure it will return in about two weeks. Sometimes you just have to let yourself be sad for a while. Sometimes you have to cry just to cry. (Sounds like I'm writing a sappy country song.) But seriously.

I wonder if I will ever get better at saying goodbye. 

I am holding onto February. How is it already almost March?

Some things are better left unsaid. 

I am at the point in my life where it is time to grow up. Move out. Something I was always so excited about but now that it's here I am afraid. Each day is slow but time is flying. I am nervous for December already. So much has changed. I am anxious for the next few years to pass and we can all ask ourselves, "Where did the time go?" It will almost be like starting over. Awkward hellos... but familiar hugs and smiling eyes. 

I sound like every other teenage girl, but I can't wait for summer. The colorful days and the warm nights. Writing letters. Playing ukulele. Sunshine! Skype dates. Fresh air. Being able to run without the restriction of lines and direction with Parachute blasting in my ears... Feeling "the world at my feet."

I am missing college a lot. In about 6 weeks I will be moving into my own room in a townhouse and starting classes again. I can't wait. The spring and summer will be gorgeous in Iderho. And then the fall I'll be roommates with Mariah again, yay! 

This weekend should be nice. I need some time to just laugh with my best friends. Rhihania is coming home Saturday and I can't wait to see her.

I need to work out gah. And start a new book. And put my dang laundry away. And see about going to a concert next month!!

Welp, uninteresting blog post but I feel better writing about what is on my mind. No promises on when my next one will go up. 


Friday, January 4, 2013

2012 in 12 Photos

2012 has thankfully come to its end. It wasn't a bad year but I always love starting over. I had some trials that were very hard but I also made some amazing memories. Everything this year made me stronger and I feel like I have a very different outlook on life than I did a year ago. I have grown a lot. Goodbye to 2012 and here's to the new year and a fresh start! :) I was inspired by this blog to do 12 photos: http://www.abeautifulmess.com/2012/12/2012-in-12-photos--1.html. Enjoy :)

1. In February, Rhiana and I got to go see Parachute in concert. It was Rhiana's first concert and it was so much fun :) Even though we had to wait in the cold and there were like five openers, Parachute was great and it was such a memorable night. 

2. This picture was taken as a joke (well kinda #teamgetswoll #nofilter #iworkout #noiamnotonsteroids) but going to the gym everyday was such a great part of my year. I would go with Rhi almost everyday after school. It was really hard some days but totally worth it. It was a great time for us to burn some steam and exercise together. Working out is my favorite way to clear my head and wear myself out when I can't sleep well.

3. Graduation!! There were so many pictures to choose from but I liked this one the best. Although I have gone through some really rough patches with my parents, they have always always been there for me. They supported me all the way through high school, currently support me through college, and will continue to support me in finishing school, pursuing my career, getting married, having a family and everything else. I am not very good at expressing my gratitude to them but I am so thankful for all they have done for me. I love them so much and I hope that I can be as great as them when I have my own children.

4. Wapiyapi :). This camp has had such a positive impact on mine and my siblings lives. I have met the most amazing people that have helped my family get through the struggles that come with having a family member with cancer. It has been such a hard thing for all of us to understand and this camp distracts from the bad for a week. It really is the best week of the year and I am going to miss it a lot this coming summer.

5. Starting college at BYUI. This is a picture I took with my roommates at a masquerade dance. I had some really hard times at school, especially with roommates but they each touched my life in different ways. We didn't always get along but it taught me patience. I also learned when to keep my mouth shut and when to stand up for myself and others. I had plenty of opportunities to stand up for people I really care about and it taught me loyalty and showed me how to separate those that don't matter from those that do. I wish I had gotten pictures with Marcus and Frank because they also became such good friends to me. I will never forget the hilarious times I had with those boys and my girl Mariah. :)

6. This beautiful lady deserves her own section because I had so many hilarious memories with her but also some very serious conversations. Mariah is one of the best friends I have ever had and I love her so much. I hope that we will continue to stay close and that we can live together again next September. <3 nbsp="nbsp">

7. Rhiana also gets her own number because she is my very best friend. We have been through so so much together and she has always been there for me. We have had our rough patches of course, but I can always count on this gorgeous girl for a great laugh, a heart to heart, a boy stalking adventure, a shopping trip, a lunch date, a sit in the sun, and a late night chat about anything. We have made it since freshman year and I believe we will always be best friends. We will be at each others weddings (or just be roommates or something cuz we have the worst luck with boys haha) and our kids will play together. Thank you for everything Rhiana. Love you much!

8. This is turning into a post about specific people haha but I have had so many great memories with the three girls above that I can't pick one so I just have to talk about them individually. This is my lovely cousin Sarah. We have always been really close and we have done a lot together. She is hoping to get accepted to BYU in Hawaii and if she does, I support her all the way, no matter how much I try to convince her that Idaho is better. ;) We will continue to make memories whether it be going to school together as roommates, or over Skype while she has adventures in Hawaii. It makes me so emotional to think of her being so far away (I have tears in my eyes as I write this) but I know God will put her in the right place. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

9. This is just my good looking family :) We have a lot of memories together and I love them very much. All 8 of us have been through some really hard things, but we work on getting better everyday. I have faith that we can pull through. I can't wait to see what the future holds for each of us. 

10. This is the little man, Ethan. He is such a sweet boy and so strong. I am absolutely heartbroken that he can't walk but he is an example not only to me, but to everyone he meets. It is important to be grateful for the simple things in life. It is easy to take them for granted. I find myself being very discouraged about his situation most of the time. I am typing this with watering eyes because I just can't keep in tears anymore. I am afraid and falling apart. I know it is important to have faith and look to the future but it is very hard. I look forward to the day when my baby brother can hop on his bike again.

11. This ugly sweater party was the best way to end the year (next to the New Years dance which I have no pictures from!) I haven't laughed so hard in a really long time. I have the most hilarious friends ever :) Both the party and the dance are great memories I have with Rhiana, Michael, and Jacob. I am really not ready to say goodbye to those great boys. :(

 12. Ok this is turning into my private diary so I am going to finish up haha. I dyed my hair pretty dark and I feel more like myself than ever, which sounds so stupid haha. I am a lot more confident in myself and I am looking forward to 2013.

I hope you all had a great year in 2012 and that this new year will be even better. I mostly wrote this for myself and I feel like I might take it down soon. Maybe I will private my blog. Ah well.